Learning to let go isn’t an easy process, but it’s a journey I am beginning to pursue. I’ve noticed that I love to be in control. I love when I am in control of my environment, my future, my finances, my relationships, my calling, and more. It makes me feel assured that everything is going to be okay since I know best, right? Well, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe if I was in control of everything it’d be great for a little bit, until I realize it’s too much and I actually don’t know what I’m doing. It’s incredibly easy to forget that God who created me. The One who knows me better than I know myself. The One who knows that I want to be in control. The One who whispers to me and tells me to remember Him. Remember that He is the One who wants to be in control of my life. Will I trust Him and let go?

Growing up, I felt in control and I thought that was a good thing.

I didn’t know how much I tried controlling my life until I realized I can’t control anything. I’ve always been someone who likes knowing what is happening. I liked knowing where my life was going, what my future looked like, the steps to get to my dreams, my finances being in order, and being in an environment that was comfortable, but didn’t push me too much. This was how I grew up. In a pastor’s home with everything under control. I had great friends. I was driven and knew where I was headed. During high school I took all the right steps in going towards college and getting a decent job. I grew up in church and followed all the rules of what it meant to be a “good Christian girl”. Everything was right in my eyes. I felt secure. I felt safe. I felt in control.

That is until YWAM happened. It came out of the blue. One day I was chatting with my sister and she mentioned it. Something in my heart pulled me towards her words. I pried her for more information and left the conversation hungry to learn more about this thing called Youth With a Mission. It sounded strange, but I was hooked. Why couldn’t I shake this curiosity off? I thought I’d be going to an arts college in Georgia, so why did I feel like there was something in YWAM for me? At that moment, I believe God was asking me something: Would I let go and let Him finally take control? Would I surrender my life and lay it in the hands of my Father?

YWAM was one of the first moments I knew I could no longer be in control of my life.

After talking with my sister about YWAM, I was scared. I think I was scared because I realized I had to let go of a lot of things if I chose this. If I chose to go to Los Angeles and pursue YWAM, I’d have to let go of my friends, family, stable finances, my future plan, college, a secure job, and the safety of being in a place that was familiar. I’d have to be on my own for the first time. I knew I would change and not be the same person I was. This is when I recognized I had to make the choice to stop trying to control everything because I wasn’t in control of anything.

In fact, God was the One who was always in control, but I had constantly chosen to hold so tightly to the rope of control. This same rope had been holding me back from truly living my life for God. Sure, I grew up in the church. I knew all the right things to say. I looked like I really knew God. But in this moment I thought to myself, maybe I don’t know God like I thought I did. Maybe I just knew how to look like I was living for God, but if I was honest I didn’t really trust this God I called “Father”.

That’s when I decided to cut the rope of control and free fall into God’s hands. I no longer wanted to just act like I knew God or act like I was fully surrendered to Him. I wanted to actually know Him. I was tired of trying to be in control. I wanted to truly live my life for Him.

Cutting the rope of control is a daily practice.

After cutting this rope of control and taking the leap of faith to go to YWAM, I thought I trusted God. I thought to myself: finally! I really do know God now. Wow, I’m really proud of myself for trusting Him. I don’t want to be in control anymore. It’d be great if this was true, but I’m human. I cut the rope of control only to go crawling back to it and tie it around my waist over and over again. Why do I do this? I do it because I can say I trust God all I want, but it’s still an ongoing battle for me. I like to feel in control because I feel like I know best.

I tell God to take a backseat because I think I know what’s best for me. I tell Him I know the timeline of when I want something and I even figure out how to make it happen. I tell God my finances are something I can take care of without Him involved. I constantly tell Him, “I got this handled God. No need to do anything. I know best, so you can just sit and watch.” And you know what He does? He lets me take control. This isn’t because God doesn’t care, but because He isn’t a manipulative or controlling God. He will only come into the things I invite Him into. God will only take over the things I fully surrender to Him. This is because He wants relationship. His desire is for me to trust Him. When I trust God and give up control, He knows it’s the best thing I can do for myself. But He will only take it if I let Him.

It’s a daily decision I have to make. To cut the rope. Cut the control over my finances, relationships, future, and more. I know that once I cut the rope, I can run into the arms of a Father who’s been waiting for me all along.

Cutting the rope of control brings intimacy with the Father.

What I didn’t understand is that as I cut this rope, I’d actually find deeper intimacy with God. To tell the truth, this rope is the very thing that consistently tries to pull me away from God. I feel myself wanting to run to God, but then I think about the things I want to control. I fall into a place of distrusting my Creator and I immediately feel the distance between us grow. It’s insanely easy to tie the rope around my waist. When I feel finances are tight, I slowly pick up the rope, tie it around myself, and strive to get the money I need. When I start to worry about what my future looks like, I grasp the rope, tie it once again, and try to figure out my own strategy to achieve my dreams. When I enter into a relationship, I grab the rope, tie it, and try to make it happen without God.

What if we chose to cut the rope and never look back? It would look like true intimacy with God. Unshakeable trust in His plan for our life. Grounded in knowing that He is in control and we no longer have to be. It would look like no more striving, but only abiding with Him. As we run to Him, everything else fades away. As we cut the rope, we come to a place of complete rest. We might think that if we cut the rope, our lives will fall apart. But what if I told you that as we cut the rope our lives actually fall into place?

Our lives fall into place because we’ve finally let go of control. After cutting the rope, we know that God is finally in control and we are not. This is the best place to be. What is the rope you need to cut? What is something you are trying to be in control of when God is asking you to cut the rope and run to Him? All He wants is your heart. He longs for you to trust Him with every little thing in your life. Will you let go and dive into deeper intimacy with God?